I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
