cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
