4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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