I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
