Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize