good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
