I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
she woke up with a sticky ear
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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