My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
