So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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