Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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