You were right. It hurts to walk today.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Randomize
