I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
