apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
