The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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