if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
