Even water is tasting like jack daniels
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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