the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
