You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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