my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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