I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
what day is it and did you see me today?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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