while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
