the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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