This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
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