hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
