I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Randomize
