Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
The uberlube is also flammable
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
