Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
