Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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