ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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