girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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