I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
