Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
