Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
