i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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