I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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