im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
