Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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