I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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