Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
And then he peed in my hair
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