Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
