let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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