Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
