I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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