I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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