last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
soo... how was my night?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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