Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
