During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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