Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
