So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
sex in a hospital.. check
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
