take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
sarcasm needs its own font
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
