last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
