my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
