if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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