For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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