I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
