I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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