I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
