this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
