pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
