come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
