4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
how does that bad decision feel?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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